My Testimony
My faith in God was real, but it was rooted more in religious routines than in an authentic and genuine relationship. That began to change on August 26th, 2004 when our 14-month-old son Brady became very sick. We had just spent time at a local festival so I thought maybe he picked something up from riding the kiddie rides. After multiple days of extreme fatigue and fever, our pediatrician ordered blood work. I was barely back home from the appointment when she called to say that she had already spoken with doctors on the oncology floor at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital and that we were to take him there as soon as possible. Thank goodness for how young and naive I was because none of that really registered in my brain, that is, until we got there and walked through the waiting room full of sweet little faces and bald heads. The reality of what was possibly happening hit me.
It wasn’t long before we saw a doctor and based on his assessment of the situation, his guess was that Brady had leukemia. He couldn’t confirm that until he ran more tests, which they began immediately. They let us know we would be there for a while, so I left the room to call my mom who had been watching our daughter, Morgan. I will never forget what I experienced while walking through those hospital hallways. It was like I was floating outside of my body. It felt like the world around me was in slow motion and swirling around me…just like you see in a movie scene. And instantaneously I felt this deep, deep sense of desperation. It was a desperation for God. I had never intentionally relied on him for anything up to this point. I had just gone through the motions of religion and religious practices without any type of relationship or real prayer life. But in this moment, in the depths of my soul, I had this longing for him that came out of nowhere. I knew there was no one or no thing that could walk alongside this situation with me like he could. So I began praying…. “God, I need you. God, please be with me. God, I am desperate for you. God, you are the only one who is in control of this situation.” At that point I hadn’t even asked for healing of Brady’s body. I just remember calling ON him and TO him. All I could do was ask for him to be with me as I navigated this situation that felt (and WAS) entirely out of my control.
Hours later, the doctor came back with the news that it was NOT leukemia. He brought us handouts full of information on Brady’s diagnosis – “Autoimmune Neutropenia”. Basically, Brady’s body was killing off its own white blood cells. So, essentially, he had no immune system. His counts were literally zero when we got to the hospital. That’s right – he had not one white blood cell to fight off even the slightest cold. Hours later when they ran it again, he had a count of 40. We were told counts should be, at the very least, 1500. They cautiously allowed us to leave to go home as they felt it would be safer at home, isolated from possible infections. They educated us on what our next 6 months to two years were going to look like. That’s how long it typically takes for a child of Brady’s age to build their counts back up to where they would stay at a solid even level. We were given a strict list of what to do and not do until his levels were at least 500. Some of those included keeping him away from people other than our immediate family (we did have a lot of family bonding time since our world had to slow down & and lots of snuggles which was a gift in the midst of the worry and stress). He also had to stay away from our dogs which was a challenge. We had to wash and disinfect every single toy and area he would come into contact with. He wasn’t allowed any fresh fruits or vegetables for fear of bacteria getting into his system. And Morgan had to be pulled from preschool to limit exposure to germs. He also had to go for blood work 3 times per week and follow-up with the doctor once a week. If he had even the slightest of fevers, we were to call the emergency number immediately. It was so serious that the doctor gave us his home phone number and told us to call him at anytime. It was all overwhelming and scary.
With all of the information in hand, we headed out the door and back through the waiting room. The ladies at the check-in desk could not believe we were leaving. Their faces were stunned. They said that it was rare for them to see a patient leave and not be admitted. In fact, they had already had paperwork drawn up for him to be admitted and an in-patient bracelet for him to wear. They were ecstatic and so full of excitement and celebration for us!
In the meantime, the doctor ordered multiple tests to pinpoint the cause. Some were so extensive the results wouldn’t be back for weeks. Once everything was finally back, it was determined to be inconclusive as to why this happened. They just could not pinpoint a cause. While waiting for all of the results, shockingly and unexpectedly, his counts were going up and up and by 6 WEEKS (not 6 months), his counts were in completely normal range and holding steady. Again, they were shocked. We were told this was not at all typical.
In the days after we were sent home, I relentlessly pursued the Lord. I began by reaching out to a friend of mine who I knew was a Christian. She had laid the groundwork in the years prior to this when our friendship began. She was such a great example of what a Christian looked like and always made it clear to me that I could lean on her whenever I needed. She offered to take me shopping for my first bible and helped me make sense of this new pursuit of Jesus! Eventually she invited me to her church where I officially accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. A few years later, she would baptize my kids and me and is still a friend and spiritual mentor to me today!
In my heart I know that God used Brady’s illness to fully grab my attention…to pursue me….and in turn my husband and my kids. He used Brady’s illness to draw on that deep desperation of my need for him while protecting and healing Brady fully and in a short amount of time. It’s been said that “God has a purpose for your pain” and I wholeheartedly believe that his purpose for that painful and scary season was to reveal himself to me. I was so far from God before Brady’s illness but he is full of grace and mercy and doesn’t ever stop pursuing us. What a gift! A gift that is available to every single one of us! Not because of what we do, or how “good” we are, or how religious we are but because he loves us and wants to be a part of our lives! All we have to do is open our hearts and receive it!
Ezekiel 34:11 For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them.
